Originally written in September 2000, surprisingly relevant today.
How am I supposed to pray
when I'm not sure You're there?
How am I supposed to talk to You
when my mind of words is bare?
Am I to understand
when Your voice I cannot hear?
I'm blind to the path;
I can't see past the tears.
Here I am,
a used up tube of toothpaste;
folded, crumpled, and
twisted beyond recognition,
something people throw away.
Do You care?
All I ever wanted to do was give;
have the freedom to live
But I seem to miss the mark every time;
spend all without replenishment.
It's amazing how a place with nothing in it
can ache so much. The hurt's beyond breathing,
reason; it even invades my dreams.
It's not just one thing,
it feels a huge pile.
But I'm sure it's all inside my head.
Could You just hold me for awhile?
I'm begging You!
Please show me what to do,
or let this empty shell sleep,
and call my soul to dance with You!
I'm so tired of trying to be strong.
This body betrays me; most people are worse.
Some call it a blessing; it looks much like a curse.
Why would you give me a body that can't really do
the few things Your Spirit gave me a desire to?
I'm incredibly lonely and more often sad.
I know I asked to be here.
But now I feel locked in another grid.
See, the word useless came up often in my life before;
but I knew I would prove them wrong.
Now, even though I'm free of that one way door,
I hear many singing their "I told you so" song.
Dream for me, or let me leave the grid early.
Because the actual uselessness and emptiness hurt much worse
than the words and hands ever did.